Dear Local Angus & Robertson Store...

By now it seems that everyone knows of the situation regarding RedGroup Retail, aka Borders and Angus & Robertson.

And it seems that everyone who's anyone, or someone, or something, has invited themselves to lend voice to the predicament.

Therefore I initially proposed to myself that I would NOT, under any circumstances, blog about it. But when my bus drove past my local Angus & Robertson store this morning, I couldn't help but lend my own thoughts to the bonfire that has set the writerly world alight.*

You see, scribbled on the windows of the store in green, cursive writing, were the words "Please Support Your Local Bookstore!" - except the dot on the end of the exclamation mark was instead shaped like a love heart.

Reading this made me feel guilty. I have not bought a single book all year. The reasoning behind this** is simple: I need to save my money for university next year. And because I never*** like to buy just one book, every time I enter a bookstore I tend to spend a lot of money. Too much money.

Which is totally worth it, but one can't exactly live off books****.

So to make it up to you, local Angus & Robertson Store, I have compiled a very professional list for you of all the things you could possibly do to boost your sales:

1. For every book sold, the customer receives one free hug. Pure and simple: everybody loves hugs. This way people will feel extra loved, and come back to by more books. This in turn would boost sales and exponentially increase customer loyalty.
2. Instead of slipping in a complimentary bookmark with every purchase, slip in a membership card for a secret Angus & Robertson society whose constitutional vow is to terrorise the ebook industry. The logic behind this is twofold: First, people love secret societies. Look at how much society adores Scientology? Second, the subsequent 'War on Ebooks' would undermine cheap competition.
3. Hire a bunch of people with Marketing Degrees to brainstorm ideas on said 'War on Ebooks', inspiration for which can found in a double-page cartoon featuring in Meanjin Volume 69 Number 3, 2010.  Surely such professionals would be able to come up with heaps of ways to whip literary purists into a bloodthirsty anti-ebook frenzy. Ebook bonfire, anyone? 

Okay, so it's a very small list, but it's a work in progress.

Have you got any quirky ideas about how Angus & Robertson/Borders could combat its current situation?


* What a horrible statement, or metaphor, or hyperbole, or cliche, whatever else one wishes to call it. Please forgive. I blame it on the law firm where I'm now working full time for my GAP year: tiredness + legal stuff = unimaginative thought processes; or imaginative processes at sporadic and (very) rare moments.  

** If one could call it reasoning. Last year I would have called it pure, undisguised madness.

*** Never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever. Ever.

**** Okay, maybe books, two-minute noodles and casket wine, but just ignore that.