By now it seems that everyone knows of the situation regarding RedGroup Retail, aka Borders and Angus & Robertson.
And it seems that everyone who's anyone, or someone, or something, has invited themselves to lend voice to the predicament.
Therefore I initially proposed to myself that I would NOT, under any circumstances, blog about it. But when my bus drove past my local Angus & Robertson store this morning, I couldn't help but lend my own thoughts to the bonfire that has set the writerly world alight.*
You see, scribbled on the windows of the store in green, cursive writing, were the words "Please Support Your Local Bookstore!" - except the dot on the end of the exclamation mark was instead shaped like a love heart.
Reading this made me feel guilty. I have not bought a single book all year. The reasoning behind this** is simple: I need to save my money for university next year. And because I never*** like to buy just one book, every time I enter a bookstore I tend to spend a lot of money. Too much money.
Which is totally worth it, but one can't exactly live off books****.
So to make it up to you, local Angus & Robertson Store, I have compiled a very professional list for you of all the things you could possibly do to boost your sales:
- For every book sold, the customer receives one free hug. Pure and simple: everybody loves hugs. This way people will feel extra loved, and come back to by more books. This in turn would boost sales and exponentially increase customer loyalty.
- Instead of slipping in a complimentary bookmark with every purchase, slip in a membership card for a secret Angus & Robertson society whose constitutional vow is to terrorise the ebook industry. The logic behind this is twofold: First, people love secret societies. Look at how much society adores Scientology? Second, the subsequent 'War on Ebooks' would undermine cheap competition.
- Hire a bunch of people with Marketing Degrees to brainstorm ideas on said 'War on Ebooks', inspiration for which can found in a double-page cartoon featuring in Meanjin Volume 69 Number 3, 2010. Surely such professionals would be able to come up with heaps of ways to whip literary purists into a bloodthirsty anti-ebook frenzy. Ebook bonfire, anyone?
Have you got any quirky ideas about how Angus & Robertson/Borders could combat its current situation?
* What a horrible statement, or metaphor, or hyperbole, or cliche, whatever else one wishes to call it. Please forgive. I blame it on the law firm where I'm now working full time for my GAP year: tiredness + legal stuff = unimaginative thought processes; or imaginative processes at sporadic and (very) rare moments.
** If one could call it reasoning. Last year I would have called it pure, undisguised madness.
*** Never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever. Ever.
**** Okay, maybe books, two-minute noodles and casket wine, but just ignore that.
